Step 1: Pick up the phone
Call. Don't text first. Voice carries everything text can't — tone, breath, the long pause before a "yeah, I'm fine." If they don't pick up, leave a voicemail that's specific (use their name, your name, "just checking in") instead of "call me when you can."
Step 2: Open with something specific
Don't lead with "are you okay." That's the question they've been told to lie to since basic. Instead:
- "I was thinking about that time at [specific shared moment]. How's life?"
- "What's the worst thing that's happened to you this month? Mine was —"
- "I owe you a beer. When am I paying up?"
Specific, low-stakes, easy to answer. Builds the bridge.
Step 3: Listen for the iceberg
Most of what's wrong is below the waterline. Listen for:
- "I'm just tired all the time"
- "It doesn't matter"
- "My family would be better off"
- "I'm fine, but —"
- Sudden calm after a hard period (decision feels made)
- Talking about giving things away
Step 4: Ask the question
"Are you thinking about killing yourself?"
Direct. Specific. Yes-or-no.
Asking does not plant the idea. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, the VA, every clinician, every veteran-led peer program — they all agree on this. Not asking is the risk. Asking is the safety check.
If they say "no, I'm not there" — you've still opened a door. Stay on the call. Talk about whatever they want.
If they say yes — stay on the line. Don't rush. Don't moralize. Don't promise to fix anything. Just stay. And then:
Step 5: Get them to 988
"I want you to call the Veterans Crisis Line right now. I'll stay with you while you do, or I'll three-way it with you." Hand them the lifeline. The trained responder on the other end of 988 will do the next part.
Step 6: Lethal means
If they have a firearm and they're in the dark place, the most important next move is to put time and distance between them and it. Offer to hold it for the weekend. Drive over and pick it up. Or get them to a buddy who can.
Most attempts happen within an hour of the decision. A gun safe with a combination they don't have is enough to get past that hour.
This isn't anti-gun. It's anti-loss. They want their firearms back when they're through the storm.
Step 7: Don't disappear
Day after, day after that, the next week — call again. The buddy check that matters is the second one and the third one. The first call is the door. The follow-ups are the road.
If you can't reach them and you're worried right now
Drive over. If you can't, get someone closer to do it — a sibling, an old commander, anyone who can lay eyes on them.
Last resort: call the local non-emergency police line and request a wellness check on a veteran in mental health crisis. Use those exact words. Ask if they have a Crisis Intervention Trained (CIT) officer.
Don't lead with 911 unless they have a weapon and are an immediate threat to someone else. Police-on-veteran wellness checks have killed people. Use 988 first, family first, the wellness-check line before 911.
For yourself
Doing buddy checks takes a toll. After a hard call, do a check on yourself. Stop Soldier Suicide, Wounded Warrior Project Talk, Give an Hour — they exist for the people doing the catching, too.