Fighting the ‘dependa’ stereotype

“Gross. Another military wife voicing an opinion that doesn’t matter.”

“Maybe keep your yap shut so he can keep his job.”

These were the social media comments left after one of my recent articles was published. And don’t get me started on being called a “dependa.”

I am so damn tired of this outdated script that society — and the military community itself — has written for military spouses.

When did we audition for the role of the un-opinionated, voiceless and perpetually grateful background character?!

Born out of ignorance, resentment and oversimplified narratives, the “dependa” label gets slapped on every military spouse who “signs up” to stand by and support their service member.

We’re judged by those who know nothing about us, our marriages, or our circumstances.

If we’re unemployed and choose to stay home — whether to raise babies or be a homemaker — we’re lazy, and we obviously only married for the luxurious benefits of free health care, free housing, and that big, fat, juicy paycheck. *eye roll so hard*

If we have a career of our own, we’re clearly not providing the support our service members need to advance and succeed in their careers.

If we blast the free health insurance that provides denied claims and billing issues, we’re ungrateful. If we speak up about the free housing that comes with mice infestations and mold problems, we’re ungrateful.

If we mention the paycheck that the government uses as leverage when they can’t make a decision, or lament the occasional overpayment by finance that we are now responsible for, we’re ungrateful.

Ungrateful and “broken,” apparently, according to some more social media comments left for me.

“Gross, second lieutenant needs to go find a new wife this one is broken and will ultimately derail his military career one way or the other.”

These claims say far more about the one-dimensional narrative surrounding military spouses than they do about the people who actually ride the rollercoaster of military life.

No matter how hard military spouses work to outrun the unflattering stereotype, many of us are still flattened into it. We got too loud and let our individuality show.

But perhaps the most damaging part of the stereotype is how closely it exists alongside praise.

The “dependa” stereotype is whispered in the hushed tones that follow the praise for being resilient and creating a steady, happy home front.

Simultaneously, military spouses are criticized both for depending too heavily on military life and for building identities outside of it.

We’re commended for being strong, carrying the emotional hardships on our backs while creating stability in the face of constant chaos. Yet the moment the weight of this life becomes too heavy to carry alone, we’re condemned for struggling beneath it.

So how do we tear apart the script?

We don’t.

We rewrite it.

Keep the conversation going by following @authenticallyalexa on Instagram.